A reminder to myself

When I look in the mirror, I don't see this.  You know why?  I suck it in.  Even when I pose for pictures I suck it in.  These pictures, I did not pose for.  These were taken the day before I started low carb.  

May 5, 2012.  I was almost 300 lbs.  With my clothes on that day, when I weighed-in after the party, I was actually 299, then I subtracted 3 lbs for clothes and that's how I got 296.  Sigh....  I'm posting these to remind me that I don't want to look like this.  Not now.  Not ever.

Wake-Up Call

This was just taken a couple of days ago. Yes, I've gained a ton of weight back. No, this isn't a sweater I would normally wear. We were at an ugly sweater party and I borrowed one of my mother-in-law's Christmas sweaters. Maybe it just isn't that flattering on me. But, really look at my face, it's really fat and my entire body is swelled up. I knew that things weren't going that great. I haven't been caring what I've been eating lately, which is horrible. But, I didn't realize it was this bad. The last time I got on the scale I wasn't that much heavier than before. I'm pretty sure I had managed to only gain back 6 lbs at the time. But now... Oh man. Granted, I am finishing up "that time of the month" and I got on the scale after eating and with clothes on, it read 290. oh man. I've successfully gained back all but ten pounds that I had lost before. WHAT THE HECK!? Someone slap me now. Please. I'll be weighing myself in the morning tomorrow to see what my true weight is, but I don't expect it to be much different from what I saw today.

So, thank you to my friend that took this picture of me and my husband. I needed the wake-up call. I'm not sure what I'm going to be doing this time around. And honestly, the idea of watching what I eat during Christmas is less than appealing to me. I want to be able to enjoy all of the treats. But, I guess I have to remind myself that some things are more important than eating treats. I'm thinking that for now I'm going to drink a smoothie in the morning, then a light lunch and a normal dinner, without the seconds that I've once again become accustomed to. And I'll try to stay away from the treats, but I'm going to be honest here. I will probably eat them, because it's Christmastime, but I'll try my hardest to stay sensible. Say a prayer for me. I really need them. This is something that I have to do. I can't keep living like this.

Temptations and Doubts

I keep having this fight with myself in my head. I'm thinking that my hormones are messing with me. I keep feeling like I'm cheating or not doing that well with my weight loss. Even though I'm staying within my points each day and I'm exercising when I can, I still have just not been feeling it all too much so far this week. And don't even get me started with the desire for chocolate right now. I swear, I could eat an entire big bag of peanut butter m&m's right now and not even think twice about it. Instead I just made myself a 0 pt cup of fat-free sugar-free hot chocolate.... sigh.

Anyway, I'll get over this. I just need things to get back to normal. Like I said before I've always used "this time of the month" as an excuse to binge and eat whatever I want. But, I'm not going to let that happen. I have control over my life and my choices, I just need to keep reminding myself of that! I think I'll go exercise to get my mind off of the dang chocolate!!

On another note, I had my husband take some pictures of me on Sunday before church. I was feeling especially small that day, in a dress that I haven't worn in forever.

Me on Sunday at 283 lbs

Me before at 290 lbs, I never took a picture at 300 lbs.

I'm not seeing a big difference yet, but I had someone comment to my husband that I look like I'm losing weight and that I look good. Actually I had two people comment that I looked good. :) So, I guess that there is some change happening, even if I don't see it quite yet.